Fallen: How did my date steal trust and intimacy and then ghosted me?
Call me naive or romantic, but I did have a crush on myself the other day; thank Tinder. Shortly after signing up, which I swore I would never use again, I collected matches like different generations before collecting stamps. Continue reading this amazing Blog on DusseldorfGirls Agency!
One of them was quick to send me his phone number, but luckily he quickly proved himself to be an obvious jerk, and one of them did everything right until our time together felt like a bath in caustic acid.
Humour creates trust; trust creates closeness.
At first, he wrote very humorously and charmingly. I almost recognized a second Helge Schneider in him or wanted to remember him. I caught myself laughing out loud three times the first night. Also, because we were writing in English all the time, some of his puns were delayed, which built tension and made me a little more and more nervous.
I didn’t want to appear stupid, and my identity-forming eloquence wafted along in a mixture of sloppy obtuseness and well-intentioned effort. But he reacted extremely charmingly, which took away my shyness, and he didn’t give up tempting me with new questions.
After about half a week of intensive exchange, this man already knew a lot about me, my interests, favourite music, childhood, drive, and wishes. I only knew what he let me know about him. His answers to my questions either remained vague or avoided the possibility of an early answer in a personal meeting.
He squeezed me like a ripe lemon; however, probing, probing, staying awake and interested for reasons I wasn’t entirely clear, but I accepted at least a little willingly. At Christmas, two days before we first met, he sent me a video playing one of my favourite songs on his drums. I melted away like every hot girl should do.
Big words before the first meeting
So far, of course, he had done everything that other interested men had done before: complimented me like warm summer rain, showered me with attention and repeatedly pointed out to me what was special about me. “I could fall in love with you,” he concluded, adding that it felt like I was already a confidant.
I felt the same way when looking for words, grinning, and bent over my screen. However, by now, I was not only very excited but also felt immense pressure on me: “What if I’m not good enough?”
“I could fall in love with you,” he concluded, adding that it seemed to him that I was already a confidant.
Also, just before our first meeting, his mood changed. The humorous and engaging banter turned to more serious tones. He also wondered if he wasn’t already sitting on a throne (which he had willingly assumed). I was aware that he was just a farting, smelly morning bloke who occasionally had melancholic heaviness and had already supposed been a real asshole.
I just nodded understandingly and confirmed to him that I found this human side pleasant. So it didn’t strike me as odd that shortly before the first meeting, he wrote that he wasn’t in a good mood today and might come to see me in a slightly bad mood. My emotion grew for this human and sensitive being, and I assured him of my complete understanding.
Romance is interspersed with mood swings
We fell in love with each other very quickly. He was charming, funny, thoughtful, and kissed like something from a French movie – very soft and meaningful. I sank into his eyes, mesmerized and buttery smooth. He said goodbye the following day, and I waited for the redeeming first message. Instead, there was just like under one of my Instagram posts, and I felt strong enough to take the first step.
Five dates later, always waiting for him to ask me out again (which he never did), I hadn’t understood. The humour had now given way to an ever-growing mood swing. His moods alternated from effusive affection (“I love your skin…I love your hair…You’re so beautiful.”) to chilled detachment.
The initial euphoria had now turned into great uncertainty
Again and again, I tried to get to know him better, asked about his family, spoke to him about his passion for music and sent small signals. The initial euphoria had now turned into great uncertainty, so I talked to him about it – clarity creates clarity.
He seemed no less surprised and made me understand in a compassionate way that I was wonderful, loving, beautiful and funny, but our lives couldn’t be reconciled. When I was already struggling with a lump the size of a boulder on his sofa, he took my hand and grasped that he would like to have me in his life, as a girlfriend, with or without sex – I had become more important to him and closer than ever someone.
And suddenly, he was gone
So what did I do? Instead of finally realizing that it couldn’t be the man of my dreams, I laughed with relief and stayed. I was supposed to be hopeful and mentally not up to par for almost a week until he informed me that his ex-girlfriend had come back into his life and that he had to get some clarity first.
I said goodbye mentally and was already proud of my other path as a single when he invited me again to speak as he told and to transform his confusion into clarity.
It never occurred to me that I had been taken in by a player, but I met a profoundly injured soul who was being hit hard by fate. Therefore, our last meeting had to end in absolute chaos when he again didn’t want to tell me in a game of near and far what was bothering him but cried close to the pit of my neck.
I was utterly devastated, feeling like an addict whose drugs were being taken away.
When he asked me to stay with him even though I should have left long ago, he told me that he wanted to be very strong now and not sleep with me. I was touched, I was confused, and I was incredibly insecure. Was I the asshole here, threatening to seduce the poor fellow like a nymph when he was suffering now (from the grief I couldn’t understand)?
Was I the woman who forced him to make the difficult decision between me and his ex, who until then had not seemed a threat to me at all? Was it my fault when I tried to call him in the evening, and he played dead, didn’t answer calls and didn’t answer my texts anymore?
I was utterly devastated, feeling like an addict whose drugs were being taken away. All the niceties, the closeness, the touches – inside and outside – had been withdrawn from now on, and I didn’t know why. Instead, he was gone, blocked me everywhere without another word, and I was one experience richer.
The calculated strategy behind his first affectionate, then changeable behaviour
It wasn’t until I was working through it for days through discussions with my girlfriends that it occurred to me that I hadn’t done anything wrong and that this person had resorted to the very reliable PickUp method—Humour, love-bombing, deep talk and then finally, very ambivalent behaviours.
The so-called rubber band principle. I was taken in by a man who kissed my scars and murmured that he wanted to know my every weakness, and assured me how beautiful and strong I was – which made me weaker and weaker. He had used humour as a starting point and had continuously drifted into the ever deeper spheres of my soul, only to dump me ice-cold or ghosting as we would now call it.
Not only was I completely insecure, but I also felt guilty. I felt that not only did I do something wrong, but I also made this man mistreat me, push me, or get impatient.
A hurricane of different feelings raged inside me, and I began to cry. I cried for my kissed scars, my feelings, and my naive hope to fall in love with someone, build trust, and show vulnerability.
He had so wholly hollowed me out that I had a hard time knowing where I began and where he ended. From a few weeks together, a shitty taste remained in my mouth and the suspicion that other women would now fall for this person somewhere there—something I didn’t want to live with.
So ladies and gentlemen, as soon as you have this vague gut feeling – and I had this – trust it. No compliment in the world, no laugh, and no attention can feel like knowing you haven’t hooked up with an asshole. I know what I’m writing about. Unfortunately.
Incidentally, this pick-up method is also used by men to make women sexually pliable, exploit them, and gain their trust by fraud. Whether it’s about not using contraception or doing things that you don’t want to do. Here, too, the gut feeling is the first guide.
For ten years: How your self-confidence touches and inspires me
For ten years, you have been my affair, friend, and inspiration. You are a conspicuous person, and I said to you today in the café with a wink. You shouted across the room to inform the attentive service staff that we had moved. Nicely meant, but with so few guests and your unnecessary appearance, the waitress made us understand with a big smile.
It is interesting how flattered you felt by my “compliment”. It was impressive that it didn’t even occur to you to find anything negative about it. That trait about you has fascinated me ever since I met you.
You are something special.
We met about ten years ago through a couple of friends who have not been in a relationship for a long time. Our first night together developed into a deep bond that could not be separated by kilometres or partners. I’m not going to open up the topic of fidelity or monogamy here because this time, it’s just not about others, just about how many incredibly positive qualities I learned from you.
When I look back on our time, what strikes me most is that about us, there was never sorrow for either of us and therefore never for our partners if we had any. We rarely saw each other, often not at all, for a few years, but when we meet, I have the feeling that I’m meeting an old friend who was always with me in my thoughts anyway. You confirmed the same feeling for me today, and I am very grateful.
I know we’ll spend days together in a strange place with you, we won’t be bored for a second. We never run out of things to talk about, laugh, and cry – of course, we also have great sex. I guess connections like this don’t come around very often, so I’m becoming more and more aware of the unique role you play in my life.
In my eyes, you are:
Confident and a little bit cocky – that makes you incredibly sexy
You are a good listener and an even better entertainer – hours fly by with you.
You are always honest with me – I trust you like no other.
The most confusing thing is that you would be considered “bad” in some people’s eyes, but I see nothing but goodness in you. What’s wrong with having a bond with someone that’s sometimes adorned with physicality if you’re not hurting anyone else? What’s evil about just being sure you’re awesome?
The world through your eyes
The world appears benevolent through your smiling eyes, and you don’t allow it to doubt that we can create anything we want with our abilities. Even if it’s just moments – life always feels easy with you.
I think how easy it is to have a “relationship” with you. In our circle of acquaintances, our relationship with each other is smiled at or condemned by the few who know about it. When I think how difficult it is for me to have a trusting relationship full of harmony “in normal life”, we have managed for years without wasting a thought that it might not work out, stable years to maintain a lasting relationship.
Even if it’s just moments – life always feels easy with you.
Of course, it makes things easier that we never had to master everyday life together. Who says you have to be in a real relationship? I firmly believe that some of our relationship traits would benefit any committed relationship.
Today you said to me when I told you about my career plans and my fears and concerns: “You don’t need a plan B, focus on plan A, and it will work.”
From now on, my job is to include your light-heartedness in my everyday life. Think less, do more. More trust, more courage and more forgiveness, especially ourselves.